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Loves to eat.Loves to cook and bake. Loves to kick. Loves to laugh. Loves to stone. nineteen and 3 days old.
Sunday, 1 July 2012 | 3:00 pm
yes yes nobody is ever gonna read this and yes yes i haven't updated for so long but heck i need somewhere to let it all out anonymously and what better place than an abandoned blog :)
ok let me just organise my thoughts properly so i don't ramble on from one point to another in no logical manner. first shall be about my turning oh-no-nineteen, then about myself and myself again. great, let's begin.
wow for the first time ever in my nineteen years of living, i had an actual birthday party, or rather a bday bbq. not that i've never had a cake to celebrate my birthday before, i have. just that i've yet to have friends plan and prepare slightly elaborately a 'party' like this until today. alright, once in jc. i was touched and pleasantly surprised on both occasions of course... but truth be told, i've been brought up to not make a biggie out of birthdays, especially my own. so that's why if friends don't give me presents or even forget, i just shrug it off. a bit sad maybe, but i'm used to it.
turning nineteen is like... i wasn't really anticipating it. the day itself wasn't eventful apart from well wishes via sms/fb. i tried baking cupcakes for the first time. the cupcake-minus-icing was fine but the icing, not so good. the real sad thing was i was having a cold war with my mum, over some thoughtless stuff that slipped out of my mouth in a moment of folly. the war is still on as i type.
gah. can't express how much i hate cold wars. just resolved one with my primary school best friend. i think. remind me to never give someone the cold shoulder cos it really sucks to be wage such a war. i'm a girl myself but i don't fully understand the sentiments of these women. i get why i'm at fault and i'm ready to apologise for my shortcomings but if the other party chooses to prolong this sheet, what am i to do? be patient? sure. try not to go crazy waiting for their forgiveness? well i can prolly learn to ignore the horrible nagging feeling tugging at my heart strings but dang, i'm not so numb.
2 days from now my big sis is gonna be back. having a slow reaction to stimulus, i have yet to feel anything substantial towards her homecoming except that maybe my mum will liven up and maybe reconcile with me once it's time to fetch big sis. finally i'll get my mentor back. for the past 6 months i've been trying to find myself, fashionwise, personalitywise and i found out i don't really like the latter.
to elaborate, i don't think i'm much of a talker, or in other words, people will find that they'll be talking 70% of the time when they spend their day with me. i'll fill them in on some details of my life but being the reticent person i am, i don't divulge my innermost feelings. also, being a person not blessed with the best memory, i'll prolly forget some interesting stuff that i've experienced in the days preceding the meet-up and hence fail to mention them. or at best describe them in the least exciting way possible. sure i could gossip if i wanted to but knowing Allah is all-hearing among other things, i'd rather hold my tongue than spew about the others' negatives. fine, call me a bore. but at least i have principles.
hmph. dunno how i can make new friends in uni in such a state, let alone get a boyfriend. a proper one. hah like i ever did. can't possibly imagine how that would be like. despite wearing a tudung and more feminine clothes nowadays, being tomboyish is easier than being a real girl through and through. how do i be gentle and womanlike and interesting at the same time? all i know how to do (when i've got the energy) is to crack jokes, talk some nonsense and listen to people drone about their lives. honestly, i like making ppl laugh. it gives you satisfaction that you brought some happiness to someone even for a few seconds and helped them burn off one or two calories on the way as well. rewarding eh? but i can't make people laugh for an hour straight. nooo, i have to talk. why why why. sometimes i just like to have silence. so sometimes cold wars are beneficial for me. i can keep my mouth shut and i don't have to listen to people rant. but when i decide to revert to being normal, i start yearning for the silence to stop and the nagging to start again. see, humans never appreciate what they have. sigh.
okay possibly the longest post ever. yay 80% of what's on my mind has been put to print. or sth like that. time for another hiatus of perhaps... forever? heh. let's just see. thanks and bye.
irnasrina
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